When I started dating my ex-husband, I was in a very small body. I didn’t know it a the time, but I was deep in the throws of orthorexia (an obsession with “clean” eating and “health”.
Over the course of our relationship, I did a lot of work to heal my relationship with food, fitness, and my body – which meant I gained weight because I was no longer starving myself.
In 2021, after struggling with my mental health for 18 months, I started taking anti-depressants after I became suicidal. This caused even more weight gain, which was made worse by the fact that I was heavily drinking to cope with the stress of COVID and running a studio.
I was deeply unhappy in my marriage (for many reasons), but my weight was one of the things that kept me from leaving.
Why? Because in my mind, despite all the work I had done to heal, the weight gain was a huge negative aspect of who I was as a partner. I gave him credit for staying with me, for not fat shaming me (as a previous boyfriend had done).
I thought if I left, it would be impossible to date or find someone to love me at my new weight. I felt like the only reason I had found love was because I was skinny when we first met.
So I stayed and told myself I needed to keep trying to work through the issues we were having. I tried to tell myself I was lucky to be with someone who tolerated my weight.
Even though on many levels I knew my self-worth wasn’t tied to my weight, I felt that my value as a partner and a wife was less because I was fat.
His bad behaviour and the ways that he hurt me felt not as important as the fact that he didn’t judge me for gaining weight.
This was what I needed to unlearn.
I am not less desirable because I am fat.
I deserve to be with someone who celebrates my body – not just someone who tolerates it .
My ability to be a good partner, a good wife – to be in a happy relationship – is not dependent on my weight.
Leaving was one of the hardest things I have ever done – but it was a huge turning point in my relationship with my body.
I chose me. I chose to see my value.
It took many more months of work, but now I truly feel at home in my skin (and also super sexy). I don’t need to lower my standards or accept being treated badly because I am now in a bigger body.
So this is your reminder:
Your body deserves to be celebrated – not tolerated.
The only certainty in this life is that your body will change over the course of your lifetime. Choose a partner that understands that and welcomes it.
Your value as a partner, wife, human is not dependent on being in a smaller body.
This is why I am so passionate about what I do.
I think of all the women who have accepted less in their lives because of how they felt about their body. All the women who stayed in unhappy relationships because they thought they didn’t deserve more.
All the women who don’t step forward and ask for promotions or leadership positions because they feel ashamed of being seen.
All the women who stay quiet and who keep themselves small, who waste their time and energy worrying about their weight because they were taught that it matters more than anything else.
You matter.
Your body matters.
Your voice matters.
I want to hear your thoughts and dreams. I want to learn about your passions and hobbies. I want to see you laugh and love, and cry and experience everything that life has to offer.
I want MORE for us, as women.
I want MORE than just spending our lives dreaming and wishing we were smaller.
I don’t want us to spend our whole lives fighting against our bodies.
I want us to celebrate them, in all of their glory, in every stage of life and our journey. Period.